TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM THE HER SOVEREIGN MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. - You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories - except Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

And the Lord said . . . . . . .

 

HOW DINOSAURS BECAME EXTINCT 

(The very first senior moment)

 

 

ALL AT SEA - A SHORT PIECE OF FILM

As we all know, Americans aren't all that bright . . . . . . . The USS Montana

FACELESS ? . . . . . . . PRICELESS !

ENJOY A PIECE OF CREATIVE BRILLIANCE!

A LAW UNTO THEMSELVES

These exchanges are taken from a book called 'Disorder  in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS:        Yes.
    ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS:        I forget.
    ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us  an example of something you forgot?
     ___________________________________________
     
    ATTORNEY:     Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person  dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?  
    WITNESS:        Did you actually pass the bar exam?  
    _________________________ ___________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     The youngest son, the  twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS:        He's twenty,  much like your IQ.
     ___________________________________________
     
    ATTORNEY:     Were you present when your picture was taken?  
    WITNESS:        Are you shitting me?
     _________________________________________
     
    ATTORNEY:     So the date of conception (of the baby) was  August 8th?
    WITNESS:        Yes.
    ATTORNEY:     And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS:        Getting laid
    ____________________________________________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?
    WITNESS:        Yes.
    ATTORNEY:     How  many were boys?
    WITNESS:        None.
    ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?
    WITNESS :       Your Honor, I  think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?  
    ____________________________________________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     How was your first  marriage terminated?
    WITNESS:        By death.  
    ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it terminated?  
    WITNESS:        Take a guess.
     ____________________________________________
     
    ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?  
    WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard.  
    ATTORNEY:     Was this a male or a female?  
    WITNESS:        Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with  male.
    _____________________________________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here  this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?  
    WITNESS:        No, this is how I dress when I go to work.  
    ______________________________________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS:        All  of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
     _________________________________________
     
    ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What  school did you go to?
    WITNESS:        Oral.
     _________________________________________

     
    ATTORNEY:     Do you  recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS:        The  autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
    ATTORNEY:     And Mr. Denton  was dead at the time?
    WITNESS:        If not, he was by the time  I finished.
    ____________________________________________  
   
    ATTORNEY:     Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS:        Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________  
   
    And the best for last:  
   
    ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you  performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS:        No.
    ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?  
    WITNESS:        No.
    ATTORNEY:     Did you  check for breathing?
    WITNESS:        No.
    ATTORNEY:     So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS:        No.
    ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS:        Because his  brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY:     I see,  but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?  
    WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and bumps into the preacher, who turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. He demands of the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up and asks the him 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer and, pulling him out again, asks once more 'Have you found Jesus brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water for the third time, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking out with his arms and legs, he pulls him up and asks 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes the water from his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'